Things I hate about food and the people that prepare or eat it

I was going to post this on /ck/, but it's basically just an itemized rant, so at the last minute I decided to post it here instead. I also took the opportunity to flesh it out a lot more, with reasoning and shit (everything in each paragraph after the colon), just so it didn't appear to be blind hate.

Nuts in brownies: Imagine the following situation. You're at a party where there's food, and you see some brownies. Awesome, right? So, you take a couple. Upon biting in, everything's fin-*CRUNCH*what the hell? Some wiseass put nuts in these brownies! Interrupting the perfectly soft and enjoyable texture of a brownie with nuts is inexcusable.

Orange peel in brownies: I had these once, I was unsuspecting, it tasted horrible.

Sugar in cornbread: This is a southern thing, but it doesn't excuse how much it ruins the taste of cornbread.

Nuts in salad: Only a nut would put nuts in salad.

Salads consisting of 90% lettuce: Seriously. Needs moar variety. Salad is not about lettuce. Salad is about enjoying the few enjoyable vegetables out there mixed together, with some shredded cheese and vinaigrette dressing.

Sugar in whole grain bread: Suspecting here that the companies that do this think they have to compensate for the "sin" of making their bread whole grain, like they think it tastes worse and they think they need to "cover it up" with sugar or something. Also in general whole grain needs to be the default. It tastes awesome and it's good for you, so it's win-win. If you want to complain, do so by slitting your wrists. It's down the road, not across the street.

Dumbfucks putting mayo on my hamburger: I maintain the stance that mayonnaise is a tasteless, purposeless substance that delivers nothing but extra fat and cholesterol. The fact that I have to specify "no mayo" with every fucking hamburger I order pisses me off. And can I get that on a whole grain bun?

Dumbfucks assuming I want mayo on a BLT: Let's look at a BLT. Bacon. Can't go wrong there. Lettuce. Okay, whatever. Tomato. It's either there to soak up the gratuitous amount of salt that some fucker put on the bacon, or for taste. Slap that between two slices of bread (whole grain, please!) and it's awesome. Where in there do you see mayo? WHERE? I didn't order a BLTM, just a BLT. If I'm ever delusional enough to say I want mayo, punch me.

Croissants that taste like oranges: I had one of these in Indiana somewhere, I think that's how they do it there. I don't care, it tasted horrible.

People that call soda "pop", or worse, "soda pop" or "coke": GTFO.

That noise some female characters make in anime while eating: is incredibly cute. Keep doing it, Japan.

Blue Cheese: You're eating mold. Just so you know.

People who claim to like spicy buffalo wings but dip them in ranch/blue cheese dressing before eating them: You can't actually stand the spice level of the sauce you ordered. It's not killing you because the fat/oil in the dressing is diluting the capsaicin in the sauce. Order a lower level and build up your tolerance. The dressing is there for the celery.

Yellow mustard: I'll admit, it's not tasteless, it's just that Dijon mustard is so much better.

High Fructose Corn Syrup: This is the ingredient that's responsible for 99% of all soda tasting like water. Seriously. Drink something sweetened with real sugar (Jones Soda, or the Coca-Cola with the yellow cap and Hebrew that's in stores around Passover, for example) and you'll notice the difference immediately.

99% of all mass-market chips, whether corn or potato: Seriously, lose the salt. It's not good for anyone to have that much salt. Ever.

Imagery on food packaging: The finished result never looks like it does on the package. Stop the false advertising.

People that light charcoal with lighter fluid: Chimney starters are cheap, effective, and don't cause the burning charcoal to emit fumes that permeate the meat and fuck with its taste. How does it work? The magical principle that heat (and heat sources, such as fire) rises. The best thing about a chimney starter? It'll last a LOT longer than a can of lighter fluid, so you'll save a lot of money. You'll most likely only ever need one chimney starter, unless you got a shitty one.

People that use gas grills: Everything you've ever grilled has tasted like propane. No exceptions.

People that put vegetables on pizza: Aside from the tomato sauce, mushrooms, black olives, peppers of all varieties (green/red/banana/jalapeños/others), and pineapple, the only things that belong on pizza are meat or cheese. Period. End of story.

Vegans: Oh get a fucking life. Animals die anyway, they might as well die in a manner that's tasty or otherwise useful for us (food, clothing, etc.). We're at the top of the food chain, not the bottom. We're omnivores, not herbivores. Your constant habit of eating all the plants is easily contributing to global warming, as there are fewer plants to remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. And the fact of the matter is, Vitamin B12, a necessary nutrient, is only usable by the human body when taken from animal protein. Which means as a vegan, B12 counts as an animal product and you can't consume it. Die moar.

Restaurants that allow you to order meat cooked medium but cook it well done anyway: News flash: Medium is defined as "some pink in the middle". Not "uniformly grey and tasteless".