Sandwich Bros. of Wisconsin Cheeseburgers

I had a hankerin' for a frozen hamburger and saw these in the freezer section.  My thought was "oh cool, a poor man's bierock!", and that it had just been sliced in half for show on the label.  I soon found out that this is not the case, what they tout as "6 sandwiches" is really "6 half-sandwiches".

They also say they're made with "real cheese", but they actually contain American pasteurized processed plastic cheese food product instead.  Don't try to convince me it's real cheese, it's not made the same way real cheese is made.

The directions tell you to place it "cheese" side up, wrapped in a paper towel, on a plate before microwaving it.  However, it's down to luck whether or not you can tell which side is the "cheese" side.  On some of the ones in my box it was obvious; on others the bread stuck out too far and curled over.  On the one I happened to pick first, I had to gently peel the bread back a bit to see where the "cheese" was.

As far as the microwave directions go, they actually tell you what wattage microwave they used when developing them, so that's good.  Way too many companies omit that basic information.

After microwaving (the directions are for a 1100 watt microwave, mine is 1200 watts) the bread comes out tough, which is sad, and only the beginning of the depression.  After biting in, I noted a distinct lack of flavor.  There's clearly food in my mouth and I'm eating it, but I'm not really enjoying it because it doesn't taste like anything.

So, to offer some constructive criticism, here's some ways they could be made better:

1. Don't slice them in half to sell three of them as "6 sandwiches".
2. Use real cheddar cheese and not that fake shit.
3. Make the hamburger patty actually have flavor.
4. Failing any of that, drop the price from $6 to $3 to better reflect the contents of the package.

Seriously, on that last point, I thought I was paying $1 per burger and getting a pretty good deal, but in reality I paid $2 per burger and was incredibly disappointed.  Re-read the second sentence of the first paragraph of this post for why I thought this.

The worst part: After the initial disappointment, I still had five more half-burgers to eat.  As I ate them over the course of the next week, I added mustard to each one just before eating to at least add some flavor.  It wasn't a fluke with the first one, all I ever tasted was the mustard.  It's not impossible to make a frozen burger with flavor, White Castle does it quite well.

The verdict: avoid.  They have other products which I didn't try, and I don't know if I ever will.  Mostly because I value being physically fit, but also, this wasn't a good first impression.

Thoughts with XT: Unhealthy Breakfast Pastries

Am I the only one who never really enjoyed Toaster Strudels?

Toaster Strudels must be kept frozen until you want to eat them, at which point they must be heated, making them vastly less convenient.  Also, you have to apply the frosting/icing (is there a difference?) yourself, delaying breakfast even further.  Heating of anything from frozen yields inconsistent results, so much so that Toaster Strudels actually have a second set of directions for when you bite in and discover that it's still cold.  They also get crumbs everywhere while you eat them.

Pop-Tarts, on the other hand, can be stored at room temperature.  They can be eaten that way too, if you just don't feel like toasting them.  Underrated: eating a Pop-Tart straight out of the freezer, though this varies by variety.  The Cookies 'n Creme ones yield the best results, from my extensive testing over the years.  Pop-Tarts crumble way less while being eaten, and also come in way more varieties, from the sickeningly sweet Wildlicious and Gone Nutty ones that I wouldn't give to my worst enemy, to the clearly superior S'mores.

From an advertising standpoint, Pop-Tarts were always the very straightforward "Hey look, these are Pop-Tarts.  Enjoy!".  Toaster Strudel, on the other hand, were the far more edgy "We're better than Pop-Tarts.  Our commercial is going to show several reasons why we aren't, but don't worry, we're going to spin those as positives.  By the way, we're better than Pop-Tarts.  Look at how this kid has to get black market Toaster Strudels because his evil parents won't serve them to him.  Did you know we're better than Pop-Tarts?".

I'll take Pop-Tarts, kthx.

Wegmans

Today, I did my usual "assist my mom with the weekly shopping" thing, but this time we thought we'd try doing so at the new Wegmans that opened here recently.  I was going to tweet my thoughts about The Whole Wegmans Experience™ from within the store, but I quickly realized that Twitter's pitiful 140-character maximum message length is not adequate to explain my thoughts.  So instead, I wrote this blog post that will get far less exposure, because even though I tweet links to my posts, millennials don't click links.  I can see all the engagement data, none of my traffic comes from Twitter.  It all comes from Google searches.

For the record, today's shopping trip was actually the third time I've been to this specific Wegmans, or any Wegmans, period.  The first two times I was there with my parents for geocaching events (essentially meet and greets) that they care about far more than I do.  On the second visit I perused their buffet and had a pretty nice dinner.  For the curious, it consisted of roasted red potatoes with various spices, something that basically amounted to jalapeño cornbread and was thankfully sugar-free, what was labelled as "garlicky greens" which was basically just kale and garlic, and cilantro lime chicken with salsa verde.

Today, while actually browsing the store and looking for things we needed, one thing became readily apparent.  Wegmans very heavily pushes their store brand products.  Their store brand products take up roughly half of all their shelf space, which is far more than in any other store I've ever been to.  The remaining shelf space contains a very small and specific selection of name-brand products.  This name-brand selection looks decent at first, but omits some surprising things such as Puffs facial tissues and Tai Pei frozen meals.

This wouldn't be a problem if Wegmans had an equivalent product for everything name-brand that they don't have on their shelves.  Except they don't, as previously suggested.  Or at least, not that we were able to find.  Which brings me to my next issue.

The store layout is very confusing.  Now, of course, it was our first time shopping there, so it's reasonable to have some level of confusion since neither of us knew where everything was.  However, the decisions they make with how they distribute products around their store only serve to confuse and mislead customers about the products they carry.  For example, you can find slightly different selections of peanut butter in at least two different places.  The regular, non-organic, non-overpriced skim milk is down at foot level, while the organic overpriced skim milk is right in front of your face.  Also, the Kefir that my mom drinks was in two different places, but the specific variety she wanted was only in one of those places.  Their hummus selection is fairly limited and again exists in multiple places, and they apparently haven't heard of taboule, or nuts that aren't for snacking.

Their staff are friendly and will assist you with finding products, yes, but that step could be avoided entirely if the store wasn't intentionally laid out in the most confusing manner possible.  They also tout their smartphone application, which apparently can help you find things, but if I have to use my phone to find a product in your store instead of the signage you have posted within it, there's a problem.

Wegmans is certainly an interesting store, and will be handy to have around just by virtue of it being a different store with a different selection of products, but it will by no means replace Giant as our regular store of choice.  It also happens to be farther away from our house by a significant margin, which is also a factor to consider, even though the decision was made entirely in the product selection.  I did discover two more brands of unsalted chips while I was there (one was corn chips and the other was potato chips), but I'm still in the same unfortunate situation of "every store that carries unsalted chips would require me to drive specifically to that store to get unsalted chips, which means I won't be doing so very often".  Aggravatingly, both brands are stocked at Giant, but Giant just doesn't carry the product™.  Also aggravating: Garden Fresh Gourmet's salsa is available at basically every store in the area, but their chips are only available at Kroger.

If you do shop at Wegmans regularly, it appears as though you will be going there for the Wegmans store brand because it's the only brand in which you can find a decent selection of products.  I dunno about you, but personally I wouldn't want to look in my pantry or fridge and see forty or fifty of the exact same brand logo staring back at me.  I'm all for getting a store brand if it fills a need and the quality is there, but I don't want to be a paying shill for a company.

Lay's Passport To Flavor

So, the new Lay's flavor promo is out, and learning from last time, I pounced and grabbed bags of all four flavors.  The deal this time around is that you can enter a code found inside each bag to earn "miles" and use those "miles" to select prizes.  Given the nature of these sorts of things, I'm sure it requires far more "miles" than any one person will ever get for anything that's actually desirable, but that's not what we're here for anyway.

Nah, screw that, all we want to know is, "What are the flavors, and how are they?".  Also, my palate cleanser would have been a 20 oz. Mountain Dew had I had the forethought to not drink the entire thing on the way back from the store.  So instead, it's a 12 oz. can of Coke Zero, in full "Trying Not To Get Zika At The Rio 2016 Olympic Games" livery.

Just to make it abundantly clear: I bought the chips myself, Lay's doesn't even know I exist.  Even if they did decide to send me stuff, I'd only accept it with the stipulation that my opinion is my own, and there'd be full disclosure anyway because not doing so is unethical and actually illegal.

Indian Tikka Masala (Kettle Cooked)

A flavor very similar to that of tandoori seasoning hits you right away.  There is a hint of a kick in there, but it's very subdued, making these chips flavorful and accessible.

Brazilian Picanha (Regular)

According to Google, Picanha is a cut of beef that's popular in Brazil.  Fittingly, the flavor description on the front of the bag mentions steak, and you can smell a faint beef aroma if you really pay attention.

Digging in, we find a distinct meat flavor, the taste of which reminds me of a steak cooked medium rare, accompanied by several herbs and spices to round it out.  It's a very nice combination of flavors, without anything overbearing.

Chinese Szechuan Chicken (Regular)

No discernable smell upon opening the bag.  Quite flavorful, though.  Further proof that the link between smell and taste is not as set in stone as people would have you believe.  Anyway, there is a larger kick to it than the Tikka Masala chips, enough of a kick to overwhelm the rest of the flavors after the first chip.

Greek Tzatziki (Wavy)

My instinct going in is that this is a spiritual successor to the underdog flavor from a couple years ago, Greektown Gyro.  My verdict was swapped from everyone else's on that, they all picked New York Reuben over it.

Anyway, the Tzatziki flavor is strong, and there's various complimentary flavors of herbs and spices that are also quite noticeable, but well balanced.  There's nothing objectionable whatsoever.

Overall

While I do like spicy things, I also like being able to eat a fair amount without zorching myself.  I ate a quarter serving of all four chips, and ate the Szechuan Chicken chips last since I expected them to be spicy, which takes a bit to go away and I can't be trying other flavors in the meantime.

While the Szechuan Chicken chips are good, I'd probably go for the Tikka Masala chips for best all around flavor.  Second best would be the Tzatziki chips, which has a nice flavor that would go well with a sandwich containing a few slices of meat.  Third would be the Picanha chips, and in a close fourth due to more emphasis on spice than flavor, Szechuan Chicken.

A Good Snack

On my weight loss journey, I've come across a pretty tasty snack with room for customization, so of course I'm here to share.

Get yourself some Triscuits.  My only gripe with Triscuits is that they have both Reduced Fat and Low Sodium varieties, but not a Reduced Fat, Low Sodium variety.  Anyway.  I use the Reduced Fat ones, but they've got a lot of varieties to choose from.  Whichever ones you end up with, get out six of 'em (which the package lists as a serving) and stick them on a plate.

Next you'll need some hummus.  Storebought hummus is hit or miss, a lot of companies put stupid shit like sugar, salt, and oils in it.  If you find a good one, more power to you, but it's also easy to make yourself.  The base is chick peas (aka garbanzo beans) and tahini (ground sesame seeds), and maybe a small amount of lemon juice if you lean that way.  You can have that as-is, or add stuff to it.  My recommendations there are roasted garlic and roasted red pepper.  Whatever you end up with, get a knife and spread a small amount on each Triscuit.

Finally, you'll need some vegetables.  Carrots and celery work well, and radishes function as a much more flavorful and less heartburn-inducing alternative to onions.  Explore the produce section at your store and grab a few things.  Whatever you end up with, you'll want to slice it just small enough that you can fit two or three pieces of whatever vegetables you've chosen onto the Triscuit.  The hummus will hold it in place for easy eating.

...aaaaaand that's it.

Pretty simple to make, only contains things that are good for you, pretty damn tasty, and fully customizable.

Red Baron Minis Deep Dish

Saw them at the store.  They don't appear to be terribly new or anything (no "NEW!" callout on the box), I just hadn't noticed them before.  They're basically a mass-market version of what a friend and I tried to make a couple months ago with storebought pizza dough and a muffin pan: miniature deep dish pizzas.

Looking at the directions, nothing seems out of the ordinary.  Until you realize that they call for them to be in the oven for 16-18 minutes, which is silly.  I know ovens are slower and deliver better quality overall, but 16-18 minutes is ridiculous for miniature pizzas about two inches in diameter.  Not wanting to wait that long, I microwaved them, using the included crisping "trays", for a comparatively shorter minute and 45 seconds.

Why did I put the word "trays" in quotes?  Well, because the provided "trays" have no sides.  Come on, Red Baron, this is a joke.  Bagel Bites can afford to provide a damn tray with sides, why can't you?

Also, looking at the directions again while I write this post, the entire back of the box where the directions are is a giant wall of text.  Half of it is in Spanish as well.  Being bilingual is nice, I guess, but the resulting wall of text makes some details harder to notice.  The human brain just goes straight into "skim" mode and the reader ends up missing things or having to take a few minutes to read it just to make sure they've got it right.

If the oven directions called for them to be in the oven for about 8-10 minutes, I could see actually heating them up in the oven.  After all, our own homemade miniature deep dish pizzas were in the oven for about 10 minutes.  Sure, these are frozen, but that detail is relatively insignificant considering the temperatures ovens can get to.

The pizzas themselves were pretty good, though they have Red Baron's signature puddle of grease.

So, what have we learned?  If they provided proper microwave crisping trays with sides, as well as sane oven directions, they'd be more attractive to grab from the store on a more regular basis.  As-is, you either have to predict your hunger by $OVEN_PREHEAT_TIME + 16-18 minutes, or use the crisping "trays" on a plate as the microwave directions specify.  It'd be nice to not need the plate, and thus not need to wash said plate later.  Also, the sodium content is through the roof for something this small.

Fixing Things: Stouffer's FitKitchen Steak Fajita

Stouffer's makes a variety of awesome frozen food products.  Their FitKitchen line is aimed at providing semi-healthy frozen meals.  One item in that line is the Steak Fajita.  It's got a delicious mix of steak, rice, beans, and vegetables with a sauce that brings everything together.

However, it's missing something.  Something crucial to the definition of a fajita.  What could it possibly be missing?

Tortillas.

If you're planning on picking up this product, grab some tortillas as well.  I personally go for 100% whole grain tortillas, but get whatever floats your goat.  The ones I get are about 8 inches in diameter, but smaller ones will work just as well.  Once you're actually deciding to heat it up, modify the directions as such:

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.  Make sure your oven rack is in the middle.
2. While the oven is preheating, wrap three tortillas in aluminum foil.  Use more tortillas if yours are significantly smaller.
3. When the oven finishes preheating, put the meal in your microwave and start it warming up according to the directions.
4. Put the tortillas in the oven.
5. Continue following the directions to heat up the meal.
6. When the meal is done, according to its directions, pull the tortillas out of the oven.

Now, you have nice warm tortillas to put your fajita filling into, and the meal is complete.  Feel free to follow the last word of their directions, which is, of course, "enjoy!".

Lay's Flavor Swap: Cheddar & Sour Cream vs. Smoked Gouda & Chive

Remember last post?  Where I said that I may very well have gotten the last bag of Korean Barbecue that Giant had?  Well, I also mentioned I was going back on Friday to pick up the final two flavors.  When I left the store on Wednesday morning, they had plenty of bags of both.

Cheddar & Sour Cream is everywhere.  No problem finding that one.  Grabbed it and a 20 oz. Mountain Dew, as I do, and went back to inspect further for the Smoked Gouda & Chive.

There were none.  "Okay, I'll try a few other stores."

Visits to Harris Teeter, two Food Lions, and three Krogers later, I am still lacking a bag of Smoked Gouda & Chive.  I've already looked at Wal-Mart, they don't have it either.  While making the rounds, I found bags of all seven of the other flavors.  There are zero bags of Smoked Gouda & Chive in the city.  So please understand my sarcasm in discussing the chips.

If I ever do find a bag of Smoked Gouda & Chive, I'll be sure to do a followup.

My palate cleanser is, as always, and as I mentioned above, a 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew.  It's a little less necessary this time, but I figured I'd include that information anyway, for science or whatever.

Cheddar & Sour Cream

Well, they're pretty good.  The flavors of cheddar and sour cream are easily noticeable and well balanced.  They're kind of salty, though.  As an aside, "salty" happens to be the word that kids these days use to mean "frustrated", and I'm rather frustrated that I can only find seven of the eight flavors of these chips.

Smoked Gouda & Chive

Tastes like my broken hopes and dreams.  The more of them a person has, the better they taste, therefore mine are the most delicious in the universe.

The Verdict

My vote is going to Smoked Gouda & Chive, simply because I'd like to be able to buy a bag of it.

Lay's Flavor Swap: Honey Barbecue vs. Korean Barbecue

I almost had to go to two separate stores for this one, as I initially couldn't find any bags of the Korean Barbecue flavor at Giant.  I was dealing with a large branded multi-shelf cardboard display at one of the entrances, and there was absolutely zero Korean Barbecue visible from the side they clearly intended for you to take stuff from.  However, the back side was accessible (kinky) because there's some ATMs hidden over there, behind all the impulse buy crap crowding the entrance.  Looking at the backs of all the bags, I went "waitaminute, that one looks different from all the rest!".  Pulled it out, flipped it around, and sure enough, Korean Barbecue.  I may very well have gotten the only bag they had, but I don't know for sure.

Something I didn't realize up until now is that the voting wraps up on the 21st, so if I wait until next week to get the last two flavors, I won't be able to vote on all the flavor swaps.  So, I'll probably go back on Friday and grab the last two, and do the last post shortly thereafter.

Continuing tradition, my palate cleanser is a 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew.  What can I say, it's in one of the impulse buy refrigerator cases in the checkouts.

Now, to business.  TO BUSINESS!

Honey Barbecue

They have a nice smooth and sweet flavor to them.  It's not overpoweringly sweet, but it's not understated either.  The honey flavor is noticeable, but it's a bit more subtle than I'd honestly like it to be.  If that's a byproduct of not oversweetening them, then I'll have to take what I got, I guess.  They're pretty good, and not terribly salty either.

It's kind of a shame there isn't really any more to say about them.  It's a very simple flavor that works quite well.  A flavor doesn't need to be complex to be delicious.

Korean Barbecue

I have to admit, I don't really eat Korean barbecue on any sort of a regular basis, or at least regular enough or recently enough to know what kind of flavor to expect.  So please understand that I'm resorting to being rather vague in describing the flavor, and comparing it to other things that I do know.

As is reasonable to expect, these have a very different flavor than the Honey Barbecue chips.  There's still the perfect balance of sweetness without being too sweet.  They're noticeably more salty than the Honey Barbecue chips as well.  There's a very distinctive flavor that seems almost teriyaki-like, minus the more fruity flavor teriyaki sauce usually has.  It works quite well and is a much richer flavor overall than the Honey Barbecue chips.

The Verdict

I'm gonna pick the Korean Barbecue chips.  We need better flavors in our food in America anyway, and this is definitely a good start.  Our mass market snacks don't have nearly the flavor variety found in other countries, and the flavor of Korean barbecue sauce is very welcome.  More variety of flavors is always welcome, but a better variety is also just as welcome.

Lay's Flavor Swap: Flamin' Hot vs. Fiery Roasted Habanero

First up: It's a common misconception, based on other pepper names such as Jalapeño, to think that Habanero also has a tilde over the "n".  Guess what?  It doesn't.  It was news to me a few years ago, and now, it's possibly news to you too.  The more you know.

Anyway, as you may already know, the latest Lay's flavor competition thing is the Flavor Swap.  8 flavors are paired off and going head to head.  It's up to us, the consumer whores, to dutifully buy bags of all 8 flavors, try them, and vote for one or the other on the internet.

The last pair was the only one that was the Kettle Cooked variety, all the rest are just regular-texture Lay's potato chips.  No Wavy flavors for us, I guess.

Moving right along, my palate cleanser is once again a 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew.  I'm thinking of sticking with this, to be honest, just because I get one every Thursday anyway, and I value consistency.  Using the same palate cleanser for all four flavor swaps just makes sense to me.

Before we begin, a note about my expectations going into this one: Whenever I see something produced by a large food company for the mass market that throws the words "Habanero", "Ghost Pepper", or a synonym of "spicy" (such as "Flamin' Hot") around, I prepare to be underwhelmed.  Spicy things are awesome and all, and for the most part I can handle the heat, but food companies always dilute it down so as to not zorch the average Joe who buys a bag.  It's with these mixed hopes and expectations that I opened the bags and tried the chips.

Fiery Roasted Habanero

Flavor-wise, they're pretty good.  However, I was correct to expect disappointment on the spice side.  There is a decent kick, and a bit of a building heat, but nothing remotely close to the heat of an Habanero pepper.  This level of heat could have been done with a less spicy pepper.  In terms of what I expect from Lay's, though, it's right on the mark.  Spicy, but not prohibitively so.

It's just that, when I see the word "habanero" in the name, I expect it to be a lot more spicy.

Looking at the ingredients list, we find "Habanero Chile Peppers"[sic] below a mountain of different oils, presumably added to dilute the capsaicin down to "average American can handle this" levels.  To give them credit, they seem to have struck a careful balance where there's still a decent kick, but it's not like eating a fresh Habanero pepper.

These are probably best for smaller snacks, especially if you're not terribly used to spicy food.

Flamin' Hot

Well, I opened the bag and fire didn't come out, therefore I'm disappointed.

Now, to be serious, my actual thoughts.  These chips are an alarming shade of red, which I guess is supposed to add to the experience.  However, the name makes me expect them to be spicy, and while they do have a little bit of kick, it's nowhere near the level of the habanero chips.  I even gave my mouth time to recover from the habanero chips.  Looking at the ingredients, the only thing that suggests any level of spice at all is a horribly generic "extractives of red pepper".  Which red pepper?  A lot of peppers are red.  Be more specific!

They taste pretty good though.  There's a noticeable tomato flavor, and a lower kick level that's just enough to get your tongue tingling without being overwhelming.  I could probably snack on them all evening.  They're actually a decent "cooldown" chip to eat after having some of the Fiery Roasted Habanero chips.

The Verdict

I'm going to have to go with the Fiery Roasted Habanero chips.  The Flamin' Hot chips don't earn their name, whereas the Fiery Roasted Habanero chips stick more closely to the objective of being spicy.  It may be diluted, but it still packs a punch for those less used to the spice level, and it's a pleasant heat for those of us more used to it.

Lay's Flavor Swap: Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper vs. Olive Oil & Herbs

I was in my local Wal-Mart when I saw these two flavors with the whole Flavor Swap thing on them.  I neglected to look at the back to see that there's actually not just two, but 8 flavors paired off and going head to head.  Since finding out about the other 6 flavors, I've made it my civic duty to be a consumer whore and get all of them so I can arrive at a verdict in each case.

In this case, both flavors are of the Kettle Cooked variety, which in the past has been home to such other amazing flavors as Wasabi Ginger, which was my personal favorite of and the winner of the 2014 Do Us A Flavor contest.

My palate cleanser is a 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew.  Probably not the best palate cleanser in the world, but hey, its flavor is easy to distinguish from anything else, and that's all that really matters, right?

Olive Oil & Herbs

The flavor of olive oil is blended in quite well.  I can't pick out any distinct herbs, but there's definitely an herby flavor as well.  It works well with the potato chip as a base.  Also present is a distinct saltiness.  Inspecting the nutrition information of both flavors reveals that this one has a mere 40mg more sodium per serving than the one with salt in the name, which puzzles me. Thankfully, it's not too overwhelming, and the chips as a whole retain high snackability.

Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper

While black pepper is perhaps the most underrated spice, I find sea salt to be incredibly overhyped.  It's just salt.  Same as any other salt that you can buy from the store and put on your food.  It's all just sodium chloride.

That said, the salt is rather subtle, thankfully, which allows the flavor of the black pepper to shine through.  I was worried about the salt before tasting them, because potato chips tend to be heavily salted as-is and the flavor here specifically involves salt, but the lack of salt overwhelming the potato and black pepper flavors is quite refreshing in a market that refuses to reduce the salt content of its product or offer unsalted alternatives.  I went in expecting an oversalted mess and was actually quite pleasantly surprised when I didn't get it.

As far as snackability is concerned, these chips are slightly harder than the Olive Oil & Herbs variety, which I noticed immediately upon eating the first chip.  More effort required to chew means less snackability.  The black pepper flavor compensates for this somewhat, giving it a good snackability overall.

The Verdict

While I love the taste of black pepper, I think my vote is going to have to go with the Olive Oil & Herbs flavor.  The flavors of the olive oil, the herbs, and the potato chip itself just blend together much more readily.  Both are really good, though, so get your hands on a bag or two of each before this thing ends.

On the Subject of Ordering Pizza and Little Caesar's

So, unless you've been living in a hole, you probably know that the most recent ad campaign by Little Caesar's advises us to avoid the "hassle of ordering online" by driving down to one of their locations to pick up hot and fresh pizza.

Now, I've ordered a lot of pizza online in my day, so I feel thoroughly qualified in saying that I don't see where exactly the hassle lies in ordering pizza online.  I find it to be quite convenient, to be honest.  But, to properly break it down, I'll go into what's necessary to order a pizza online versus getting one from Little Caesar's.

Ordering Online	Little Caesar's
Log into the Papa John's site	Get dressed
Decide what to get	Get in the car
Enter payment information, check out	Drive to the nearest Little Caesar's
Pizza arrives 30 minutes later	Find a parking space
Eat pizza	Walk inside, stand in line
Enjoy life	Place order
	Obtain pizza
	Drive home
	Park car
	Go inside
	Remove pants
	Eat pizza

Now, I'm not entirely sure, but wouldn't the process with the fewest steps be considered the least amount of hassle?

Edit (2015-11-18): I just had another thought.  If Little Caesars' Pizza is always "hot and fresh", that means it's been sitting out under a heat lamp for who knows how long before I get there.  Hot, yes.  Fresh, no.

Hardee's El Diablo Thickburger

A friend of mine already did a Let's Eat™ on this, but I had one today and wanted to register my thoughts.

It's listed as having sliced jalapeños, jalapeño poppers, and an "habanero sauce" as its main spicy ingredients.  I place the habanero sauce in quotes because I didn't really notice it too much, and fast food places are too chicken to use anything spicier than a jalapeño pepper without diluting it down to jalapeño levels of spiciness anyway.

The sliced jalapeños were what I honestly expected, rather than what I had hoped for.  I always hope that restaurants will use fresh peppers, but they're packed.  The packing process sucks away some of the texture as well as a fair amount of the spice, and turns them that ugly greenish-yellow color.  Compare packed jalapeños to a fresh jalapeño pepper next time you're in a grocery store, and tell me which one looks more appealing.

The jalapeño poppers were as I expected them.  In fact, they tasted like someone just ran across the shopping center to Food Lion and grabbed a whole bunch of them from the freezer section.  The cheddar cheese in those just has this weird taste and texture to it that normal cheddar cheese doesn't have.  Thankfully, as I just implied in the previous sentence, the jalapeño poppers were stuffed with cheddar cheese and not cream cheese.  Cream cheese is kind of like ranch dressing: it works in some cases, but not in the vast majority of cases where people actually use it.

Overall, the burger was really tasty, with a fair amount of spice, and if I went to Hardee's with any regularity I'd get another.

Side note: Hardee's, you really need to step up your french fry game.  It's seriously lacking.  You don't have to reach Five Guys' level of awesome, but at least get on par with McDonald's and Burger King, okay?  Hell, even Cook Out has better fries than you.  Also, where's the damn ketchup?  Don't pull a McDonald's and keep it under lock and key...

Nando's Peri-Peri Sauces

Hey, I actually have a picture of this one.  It's potato quality because I took it with my phone, in the store, but it's all I've got.

Because jump breaks are awesome, you'll have to continue past the break to actually read my thoughts.

Chocolate Toast Crunch and French Toast Crunch

It's a two-for-one deal!  Both of these popped up in stores recently, and I haven't done a food review in a while, so...  here goes nothing.

Chocolate Toast Crunch

Basically, if you took Cocoa Puffs and flattened them out to look like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you'd end up with this.  It even gives you chocolate milk to drink from the bowl when you're done.  They claim there's cinnamon in there, but I didn't really taste it.  To be honest, it wasn't a huge disappointment that I couldn't taste it, because this one is all about the chocolate, and boy does it ever deliver on that front.

The verdict: It's pretty good.  Get yourself some while it lasts.

French Toast Crunch

The front of the box somewhat loudly claims "You asked, it's back!".  Who asked?  It existed before?  [citation needed]

The cereal is shaped like little pieces of bread, complete with the edges colored to look like crust.  Honestly, it looks like a smaller, crunchy version of french toast, but that's about where the comparison stops.  It's made out of corn, and there's no eggs.  Last I checked, the definition of french toast was regular bread, dipped in eggs and then cooked on a griddle.  It also claims to have syrup, and while there is kind of a syrupy flavor, it tastes nothing like maple syrup.  Once again, they say there's cinnamon in there, but I didn't notice it.

The verdict: It tastes good, but it's not really french toast in any sense of the term.  I most likely won't be getting any more boxes.

Hinted-at Pursuit Series Cancelled

So when I posted about the Pursuit of the Perfect Frozen Burger, I hinted at another pursuit series...

(also, a similar frozen food pursuit series might happen alongside it since there's something I've been lacking for a few years now, nudge nudge wink wink hype hype)

That series was slated to be Pursuit of Frozen Spicy Chicken Strips.

I actually tried a few different brands, including store brands, and never actually wrote anything about any of them.  Spoiler: you didn't miss much, they didn't compare to what I was missing and searching for a replacement for: Giant Brand Spicy Chicken Strips.  I was looking for a replacement because my Giant re-arranged its store for the sake of re-arrangement like all stores do just to piss off their customers, and in the process, they got rid of the aforementioned spicy chicken strips.

Fast forward to this morning.  Imagine my surprise when I'm staring at the Giant Brand frozen snack foods area with a sense of nostalgia and longing, when suddenly...

Series hereby cancelled.  Welcome back, Giant Brand Spicy Chicken Strips!  They're 2/$5 with bonuscard, so go get yourself some now!

Forthcoming Series: Pursuit of the Perfect Frozen Burger

I've seen these frozen hamburgers and other similar sandwich-type-things in freezer aisles for a while, and partaken in a few, with some good and some bad.  But I haven't really properly prepared them for maximum quality, which being me I would require in order to compare them.

So basically, the main thing to note is something I touched on in a previous post about frozen sandwiches: thaw them out before heating them in the microwave.  They turn out so much better.  Don't even put them in the freezer when you get home from the store, just chuck them in the fridge.

Also, I'm always a little weary of microwave directions that involve leaving the sandwich in its plastic wrapper, even with one end open.  So for the purposes of this series of posts I'll be ignoring any such directions and placing the sandwich on a plate for heating.

Last but not least, if American plastic cheese-facsimile food product is included in the sandwich, I will be removing it, and adding a small amount of extra microwave time to melt some Sargento Sharp Cheddar Cheese or Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese onto the product after it's warmed up.  Cheddar is better, after all.

Also, why haven't there been any food-related posts here recently?  A few friends and I were going to start a dedicated food blog.  I was taking more in-depth notes about things and lamenting my lack of a decent camera (both phone and 3DS produce ass-quality 640x480 JPEGs), and in general holding any post I would have posted here so that it could be fully fleshed out for the food blog.  However, the food blog has yet to materialize, but I'm still getting random frozen things from the store.  So I've resolved to just resume posting food posts here until such time as we actually get the food blog going, if at all.  Which kinda sucks because we've got a really good name for it.  Anyway.

Basically in the near future you can look forward to more frozen food posts from me, in particular posts in the aforementioned series titled "Pursuit of the Perfect Frozen Burger".  Will a frozen burger ever match up to one that's made fresh?  Probably not.  Will a frozen burger still be delicious?  Sure thing.  Will the series be limited to just hamburgers or will it cover other similar things like chicken sandwiches that are often right next to the burgers on the shelf?  Limiting oneself is kinda bad.  I had a pretty decent chicken sandwich from a frozen section earlier tonight, actually, so I'm definitely including them in the series.

(also, a similar frozen food pursuit series might happen alongside it since there's something I've been lacking for a few years now, nudge nudge wink wink hype hype)

Perfect Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Because grilled cheese sandwiches are awesome, and after having made them with a few different cooking implements (nonstick griddle, contact grill, frying pan), I have arrived at what I deem to be the best way to make them: using a frying pan.

I'm not sure how much different frying pan materials will affect this.  I don't think there will be a noticeable difference, but for scientific purposes, I'm using a stainless steel frying pan.

I also fully recommend seasoning your frying pan, that is, unless you like having your grilled cheese stick to it, and end up both burnt and under-toasted simultaneously.  If your frying pan isn't seasoned and you don't really have the time to do so, you can just apply some vegetable oil cooking spray to it before heating it up.

Anyway, on to the recipe.  Some parts are open to adjustment for your own tastes, obviously.

• Bread, 2 slices
• butter
• cheese, 2 slices
• seasoning to taste
• vegetable oil cooking spray

Brand recommendations (aka what I use):

• Bread: Nature's Own 100% Whole Grain (not the sugar free one, this distinction is important because they look nearly identical)
• Butter: Brummel & Brown (a low-fat butter substitute).  It's spreadable straight out of the fridge, unlike regular butter that you need to bring to room temperature first.
• Cheese: Sargento Sharp Cheddar.  Don't get the thin slices, and if you use plastic American processed cheese food product (that can't even legally be called "cheese" in the US), you suck.  Cheddar is better.
• Seasoning: Old Bay seasoning, or just cut to the chase and use paprika
• Cooking spray: Pam (make sure to get the regular one, not any of their weird ones with flour, butter, or olive oil)

Directions:

1. Get out your slices of bread, and spread a very thin coat of butter across one side of each slice of bread.  Total surface area coated matters more than the volume of butter in that surface area.  Try to get all the way out to the edge of the crust.
2. Start your frying pan warming up (on medium heat) and spray some cooking spray on it.
3. When the oil is warm, put one slice of bread on it, butter side down.  It should make a strong sizzling sound immediately, rather than a weak sizzling sound that takes a bit to build in volume.
4. Sprinkle your seasoning on the bread, place the cheese on top, and add more seasoning if you like.  Place the other slice of bread on top, butter side up, and wait a bit for the cheese to warm up (but not start melting).
5. Flip the whole thing and toast it on the untoasted side.  Pressing it with the spatula is bad and you should feel bad if you do it.  Once it's toasted, take it off, it's done.

Don't bother slicing it diagonally, that's for patient people and little kids.  Just tear into it like you know you want to.  This whole process should only take a few minutes, frying pans are pretty quick at cooking things.

If your frying pan was seasoned, let it cool and then rinse it with water and dry it with a paper towel.  Soap will displace the nice non-stick surface that's been built up (and that the cooking spray contributed to).

José Olé Nacho Bites

Saw these in the freezer section with the typical "NEW!" label on the box, so I grabbed a box.  I got the chicken and cheese variety.  Because Giant is the way it is, I don't know if there are any other varieties.

The directions are incredibly straightforward and bullshit-free, which was a pleasant surprise.  No "flip halfway through cooking", no "ensure internal temperature is 165°F", nothing.  Just the oven temperature, cooking time, and recommended cooling time before digging in.  Perfect.

I was initially a little worried that they'd stick to the baking sheet.  The directions don't say to grease the baking sheet first.  I popped them in without greasing it, to find that they ejaculate probably as much oil as the chicken at Popeyes, and thus the lack of greasing instruction isn't an issue.

They taste pretty much like you'd expect, since they're just corn tortilla with cheese, chicken, and bits of jalapeño peppers.  The jalapeños add just the right level of kick and aren't overpowering at all.

Overall, they're a bit oily, but pretty good.  Just keep a napkin around to wipe the oil off your fingers, and you'll be fine.

Pop-Tarts Oatmeal Delights

I always scan the Pop-Tarts section in the store for new flavors, and these popped up.  I've tried both available flavors, Strawberry and Mapley Brown Sugar.  So, how do they fare?

Well, first off, for something called "Oatmeal Delights", there certainly aren't a lot of oats in it.  Whole Grain Oat Flour is the last ingredient before the "Contains 2% or less of" section, and Whole Grain Oats follow shortly thereafter.  The first ingredient is Whole Wheat Flour.  So, it doesn't look like they really tried.

The oatmeal part isn't the pastry itself, but a rather crumbly coating on its surface, along with the frosting.

On the Strawberry ones, the frosting was always falling off.  It seems to be stuck on better on the Maple Brown Sugar ones.  That one Strawberry box may have been an anomaly, but since I haven't gotten more, it's hard to tell.

Both have fairly decent flavor, and it's nice to see them using some whole grains, but it's kind of pointless since they aren't 100% whole grain.

Overall: as far as the Strawberry flavor goes, I'd have to say stick to regular strawberry.  The Maple Brown Sugar flavor actually works well with what little oats are actually present.